Wheeling, West Virginia. 429 miles.

Found objects, part 1
Americans hate to be untidy, so if they have any rubbish in their cars they immediately throw it out of the window. I like this, because stepping over it every five yards is good exercise for my knees.

Apart from the obvious stuff - beercans, half-empty bottles of Gatorade, stained copies of Playboy - I occasionally come across more unexpected items that get my imagination going. How did these once-loved objects end their lives abandoned and forgotten beside the road? If they could speak, what terrible human tragedies would they recount? Sometimes, I occupy my underused mind by dreaming up stories for them.

This cheeky little professorial chappie was doing the same thing as me, crossing America, but on a tricycle. Sadly, he'd only got as far as New Jersey when one of his back wheels fell off. He shouted for help, but no one heard him until I came along. I don't know why he' s holding a magnifying glass.

The owner of this smart, nearly new pair of women's shoes was out for a Sunday afternoon stroll when she was abducted by aliens.


I like the fact that I am almost certainly the first person in human history to have photographed an Oberto Snackers Hot Pickled Sausage lying in the road.

Elsewhere, I found what appeared to be the entire contents of a butcher's shop: steaks, sausages, chops, all in their original packaging and with several days to go until their sell-by date. I was tempted to tuck in, but the temperature was in the high 90s Fahrenheit so I thought better of it.

This camera-shy tortoise was going nowhere fast and carrying its house on its back. It reminded me of me.

And these two items speak volumes: a framed photograph of a woman, and a wedding card in a sealed envelope, which I opened. I found them half a mile apart.

To my fevered imagination, they can only mean one thing: all the dreams they dreamt that day weren't theirs to have and hold, and their joys will not grow deeper as the coming years unfold. Alicia jilted Brian at the altar, and he is trying to erase all memories of her. Or something.